Britney Spears Porn

MEGA POST!!!!!

Have you guys heard the new Britney Spears song, "3"?

Well.. it's about threesomes, and in my opinion, double penetration:

I'm pretty sure at one point she says "Gettin' down with DP" but that's just me...

(by the way, this is a video of Francois Sagat, the peacock zombie from this post singing "Gimme More" by Britney Spears.  we have come full circle)

Anyway, Britney Spears doing something that pushes the envelope of conservative sexuality is not anything new or even post-worthy, but it did get me thinking:

Have you guys ever considered the sheer volume of Britney Spears porn out there?

It ranges for mildly disturbing to downright hilarious, and frankly, if all this shit existed online about me, I'd go crazy and shave my head too.

I know that being famous you basically forfeit your right to privacy and that Internet is a free forum and all that, and I am aware that any one of us could have our faces badly photoshopped onto some hardcore porn... but I don't think some of these would ever happen to just anyone:

LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE IS TO SHOW YOU HER BUTTHOLE!

This is what I think "3" is about.

One way to cover up your terrible photoshop skills.

Horrifying because I'm pretty sure that face photo is from when she was 16 or 17. Blech...

This one isn't so bad.  If she had ever broken down and done Playboy it might've looked like this one and the next two.

 

And if she had ever done Hustler it would've looked like this.

This one will always be my favorite.  I have posted it before and it still makes me laugh hysterically.

This one has that detached Real Doll effect where she just looks all dead in the eyes, not that she doesn't often look that way normally, but you know what I mean.

This... I don't even know.

See?  I just showed you all of those and that isn't even scraping the top of the barrel of badly manipulated nudes. You never took nudes in your youth for fear that they would end up online and your future children may see...well imagine if website after website just went ahead and did it for you.

But those are just pictures! Thankfully no one has CGI'd her head onto an existing porn video (yet) but there are also a couple of interesting videos dedicated to dear Britney:

Be warned, the video above is boring as fuck.  Watch 30 secs and you've seen the whole thing.

Don't you just want to tell him Britney can't hear him?

But lest you think that all videos about Britney are just boring, bad quality jerk off videos, I now present to you...

BRITNEY REARS 2: I WANNA GET LAID

So that's my Britney Spears Porn Mega Porn Post.  I hope you laughed, cried, cringed, and got out with a full head of hair.

So Bruce La Bruce is making a gay porn called L.A. Zombie.

THIS SHOULD MAKE ME SQUEE WITH HAPPINESS.

But it isn't.

First, let me show you the trailer:



This movie pisses me off in a couple of ways.

For one, WUT???  What the hell is this movie about?  I know I just saw a safe for work trailer but it's a trailer and is supposed to entice me to watch the finish product.

Here's what I gather:

Weird green man with white scalp (note: star Francois Sagat actually has a tattooed fade hairstyle on his head.  I don't know why this means that his "hair" should be white, maybe someone can explain this to me.  Actually, if the makeup person from this movie would like to email me at pornomine@gmail.com and explain WHY THE FUCK HE IS COLORED LIKE A BEAUTIFUL PEACOCK that would be awesome.  Have you ever even seen a dead body before? ) comes out of the ocean.  Presumably dead.  With weird werewolf teeth.  Then he ends up on the back of a truck. For what seems like an eternity.  But then he also hitches a ride with someone else, and I think he kills them. He then gets some coffee.. cause zombies LOVE coffee. He steals clothes, even though he is clothed.  Socks especially.  His undead feet were cold? Then he spends a lot of time in the flood control river bed.  And two ska kids fight and one gets shot and drops money.  Then he goes to Skid Row and sorts through a shopping cart. (Yes, I noticed he passed over that perfectly good Super Nintendo) Then he isn't a zombie sometimes because he is no longer a fucking rainbow of blues, but still sticks his hand in a wound and drags a body away.  Then, his teeth take over his face.

I DON'T FUCKING GET IT.

I tried going to the website for a plot synopsis, and all I got was the following statement from Mr. Bruce La Bruce:

"....zombie porn is the wave of the future....Zombie porn is practical because you can create your own orifice..."

Yeah, ok, that would be true and really original and clever if IT HADN'T ALREADY BEEN DONE.  And done better, might I add.

Cause Re-Penetrator was made like 2 YEARS AGO:

RE-PENETRATOR TRAILLER @ Yahoo! Video

And then there was also Porn Of The Dead:

See what they did there?  They didn't just randomly paint someone blue and call it a day.  THEY ACTUALLY MADE ZOMBIES.  Also, both of these movies are more than a year old.  Zombie porn, like zombies, won't ever really go away but the idea has peaked.  Do you want to know where Zombie porn is now, Mr. La Bruce?  Want to know where this "wave of the future" actually ended up?

This guy taking a shower:



I don't hate to say it, his makeup is waaaaay better than that L.A. Zombie peacock bullshit.




p.s. Later today I will dedicate an entire post to Britney Spears porn!  Yay!

RULE 34:

If it exists, there is porn of it.

No exceptions.

This is the golden rule of the internet, the Ten Commandments of this blog, and a very unfortunate thing indeed:

Here are some of my favorite, random, can-only-be-explained-with-Rule-34 images:

 

John's freaky penis nipples are the worst part about that drawing.

Charlotte's Web porn, because I like ruining everything you loved as a child.

Jesus?

With the right frame, this painting could work in my living room...

Also, I left out a smorgasbord of Simpsons porno because people who draw Simpsons porno have very vivid imaginations and I am pretty sure the stuff they are drawing is illegal even in Japan.

This blog is a blog of firsts, my friends. I hope not just for me, but for my dear readers as well. Every time I embark on a new post it's like I'm fucking Frodo from Lord of The Rings and I have this bad porn burden that I need to unleash onto the world. This Lil Porno Mine: The Land of Unwanted Discovery, if you will.

But this time, I'm on the fence.

Let me explain:

Snow White and The Seven Dwarves seems like a hole in one (no pun intended) porn parody. So when I stumbled upon this foreign Snow White porno, I was prepared to be bored out of my mind with the obvious. Seven minutes later I found myself with only one word to describe what I was seeing...WHIMSICAL.

Yes. WHIMSICAL.

Even though I was watching the worst actress I had ever seen being taught how to masturbate with what looks like some sort of root by a Dwarf, I was enchanted. Even though I knew that I was going to eventually see a little person orgy, I was still smiling.

This porn kind of blew me away, in a good way. The sets were elaborate, they had actual editing (even though it's not amazing, it's more than I can say for most of the stuff I post here), there is appropriate music, and they actually stayed as true to their source material as a porno parody of a beloved children's tale could.

I am impressed. Take a look for yourselves... I know it's long, but I promise it's worth it. At least let the badly translated dialogue amuse you:

This isn't porn but HOLY CHRIST THIS IS AMAZING.



FUCK YEAH BEAR FORCE ONE!

They have a Christmas video too:




Also, I just want to take this opportunity to tell you that it's ok if you guys leave comments. We are all friends here :)