Teddy Grahams

Sometimes the jokes write themselves. And since I'm smart enough to know when something is just really funny on its own, I present you a series of Teddy Bear Pornos.

Enjoy:



Turn up the audio at about 45 seconds for some of the best intercourse groaning ever!



This video was tagged by it's maker: a little bear back, lol



This is technically a tiger, but still.

Now, the embed code for this last one is all fucked up. But seriously, it's worth verifying your age for:



Click image above for horrible porno.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2

Does anyone else think the music in this sounds just like the pipe levels in Sonic the Hedgehog 2?

It's been a long time.

Ok, right away let me just tell you that:


DINOSAUR PORN RULES!!!



Oh my god that is so awesome!!

Alright, let's move on to the real stuff, but I do love that this is my life:



Everyone, meet todays post:



(Click the image for video. Two embeds are enough for one post.)

I had to watch this video twice before I figured out what was going on. For awhile, I thought that the girl had her legs bent behind her, like this:




I know, that makes no sense. But I drew paint boobies and peen.

...boobies and peen. You would think someone who writes a porn blog could come up with something better than that.

But I digress....

Watching this video a second time, I realized there was someone behind her. And then it was kind of like when you watch the special features on a DVD and after you find out how the special effect was done it ruins the whole movie for you. (note: I NEVER watch "making of" special features.)

At first viewing I marveled at the talent involved in executing such, advanced maneuvers. I thought to myself, "Wow, this is less like facialabuse.com and more like the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life!" I seriously thought she was doing blowjob pushup handstands.

Awww but then I saw that there was another stunt dude behind her helping her and I just got disappointed. Really...because I was that attached to this 19 second video clip. Although I am pretty impressed with that guys turbo-thrusting.

Unless he has a thrust double.

:( I'm gonna go watch more dinosaur porn to chase the blues away.

Ouch, my neck.

I have this friend who's favorite thing about sex is going down on a girl. So I feel that I should post this video as a public safety announcement to all others like him, because this is everything that could go wrong in cunnilingus.

I'm kind of excited about this video, because it comes to us from our old friend AleXxX.

Click here for the video

It is titled "Me and Two Chicks" but like AleXxX's past videos, he plays a very small role. Although unlike last time, I wouldn't say this video does anything for women's empowerment. Actually, I don't really know what it says about women.

Things begin innocently enough, (I feel weird gearing up to go into detail here, being that I revealed this blog's existence to my mother last night. She seemed amused and I hope she still will be after this post), one girl sitting on another girl's face. But RIGHT AWAY two things happen:

1. Girl on the top, (we'll call her Honky-I'll explain why in a second) smashes Girl on the bottom's (we'll call her BrokeNeck-I'll get to that too) face with a beautifully Lee Press-on Nailed hand. This is the painful foreshadowing of what's to come.

2. Honky speaks.

At first you don't notice it. But as the video goes on, you realize that if you closed your eyes, it would sound like you were watching a 40-something Southern black woman get eaten out and not what appears to be... P!nk's little sister.

She's white, I assure you:




For a while, it looks to be rough riding for Brokeneck, but nothing too scary. We are treated to some great dialogue from Honky. Gems like:

• I DID cum. I did.
• Oh GIRL. Lick that sheeeeeit.
• Does it taste real good?
• OH Baby Girl

And then our man AleXxX appears. Hooray, or something. He begins to have sex with BrokeNeck which in turn, brings us the two real treats of this video:

At about 1:40 you begin to see how Brokeneck got her name




The pictures don't do it justice. You have to see it. Up, down, up, down, OUCH MY NECK! Seriously that better be the softest fucking mattress on earth or that poor girl is gonna need more than just an AIDs test and some Valtrex tomorrow.

And Honky says this:

"Oh you bit it again....bite it nice though.."

Now, there are many things that deter me from lesbianism. Mainly the fact that I am not attracted to women. But the idea of going down on another girl is a big factor in it too. I don't want some ghetto bitch riding my face and putting me in traction while complaining that I don't bite nicely. YOU'RE RIDING MY FUCKING FACE, CUT ME SOME SLACK HERE!

Changes and BoobieKat

So I have made a few changes to This Lil Porno Mine. Aside from the, dare I say...snazzy new layout, I have figured out how to embed videos without autoplay, and that is really important.

I realize some of you may read this at work... heck, I post this at work so I feel your pain believe me, and because of this, I received a few requests to start posting where the funny stuff in the long videos is located. I will do that in certain situations, but for the most part the comedy is in the context of the entire video, and should be viewed in it's entirety. You're already watching a porno at work as it is, if you can't watch the whole thing you should probably wait until you get home.

Let's get to the videos then.

Today's video is courtesy of a new site I found: xxxuploads.com It's not as good as some of the other sites I look at, but those other sites don't have this:



That, my friends, is BoobieKat.

BoobieKat is the reigning queen of the amateur section on xxxuploads.com. All of her videos are about 30 seconds long, and it's about 30 seconds of the most awkward sex EVER.

In her own words:

BoobieKat shows you what is her dream of falling from a Sun Roof to please her man. She lets her Enormous Naturals hang on her man's face and dick to bring them to the top! Enjoy her doing Blowjob, TitJob, HandJob, and do not miss a great Cumshot to the Sky!


BoobieKat's dreams include falling from a sun roof and my nightmares include cumshots to the sky.

Now, originally I was going to link you to the video I posted a screen cap of, but then I found THIS

(xxxuploads.com doesn't have embed codes either, which is unfortunate because they have great stuff and I will be posting about them a lot)

BoobieKat herself describes this video as:

How Would You Like to Have BoobieKat Sleeping in the Trunk, Available to Please You Whenever You Make a Stop at the Rest Area? You Rub Her Clit To Wake Her Up. She Loves Having Your Dick In Her Mouth While You Do The Job. She Pulls Your Hand Deep In Her Vagina, It Is No Fake! It Took A Little Time But You Enjoy a Real Female Orgasm... Oh My, Now Let Her Take The Best Out Of Your Dick And Cum All Over Her Wonderful Tits. Hummm, Then Clean The Mess, Close That Trunk And Continue Your Drive!

BoobieKat needs to stop capitalizing every word, but aside from that I WOULD like to have a BoobieKat sleeping in my trunk! Does she do anything other than sex stuff? Can she handle general car maintenence? Can she change a tire? At the very least can she inflate my raft for me when I want to go river rafting?

The answer is, YES! Just add water:

BoobieKat pumps the Inflatable Boat and is tired. Her Mate Pours on her some Refreshing Cold Water. She thanks Him with an Exciting BlowJob and allows to Fuck Her in the Ass and to Cum between ber Huge Boobs!

Look BoobieKat, I don't need all that other bullshit, just inflate my goddamn boat, ok?

Fucking my ex-girlfriend while making her bark like a dog

The title of today's entry is the title of the video we will be viewing today.

No, seriously. This guy is fucking his ex girlfriend while making her bark like a dog:



First off I would like to tell you guys that I type this blog up while I'm at work. Meaning I watch porno at work, (meaning that the people from yesterday's post have the right idea cause I can watch their videos all day long on full blast and it just sounds like I have really eclectic taste in music), and I sit RIGHT NEXT TO THE PRINTER. At any given moment I could be watching this man fucking his ex girlfriend while making her bark like a dog and get caught. Does that make this video more exciting to watch?

No.

A lot can be said about this video, and luckily the poster of this video wrote us up a little synopsis:

LOL Well you know a lot of people ask me....."Hey AleXxX how do you get the chicks to always swallow?" or "How do you get a chick to do this or do that?" Well the answer is to be the dominant one in the bedroom ... And as you can see in this clip...if you can get your girlfriend to bark during sex (and on camera no less) then I don't there is anything you CAN'T GET her to do .... Hope that helps =) On a side noter this is a 100% amateur scene and something I just did out of the spur of the moment and I love the fact that she fights me on the topic and then caves as I put my cock deep into her pussy...I then love it as she moans out of pleasure...that wonderful mix of pain and pleasure...this could easily be one of my favorite moments...enjoy and remember you can always see more at AleXxXWild.com

...

I don't know about any of you other girls out there, but:

IF I'M ALREADY FUCKING WHAT LOOKS TO BE NICK CARTER CIRCA FIRST ALBUM BACKSTREET BOYS IF HE LIVED IN LAGUNA BEACH AND SHAVED HIS HEAD AS PART OF HIS HAZING TO GET INTO THE SPUR POSSE ON CAMERA THEN I'M PROBABLY DOWN FOR FAR MORE THAN JUST BARKING LIKE A DOG!

I know I'm sort of repeating the point he made already, but do you think his "dominance" in the bedroom had anything to do with it? Alex..or AlexXx, makes it seem like if you can get a girl to bark during sex you can get her to do anything, but I think it's more like once you have overcome the hurdle of getting her to fuck you on camera so you can post it online...barking is probably the least of her worries.

Anyway, I will stop splitting hairs here.

I love this video, because I love this girl. I've been in an awkward sexual situation or two, but this girl by far wins. The way she handles it is AMAZING:

Boy: You're gonna fucking BARK
Girl: (rolls eyes) barking.

Seriously, she didn't even skip a beat. And I like to think that she is that witty, and not the more likely reason of her having gone through the awkward on camera beginners sadomasochism sex before.

It's subtle, how she shows who is REALLY in charge here. He may sound "threatening" and even a little dominant, but she is the one who is really in control...and he knows it.

You know how I can tell? Because he went to all the trouble to indicate that this is his EX-girlfriend. Making it sound like he posted this video for sweet sweet revenge on the dumb girl who he used and who probably dumped him puts him back in the driver's seat. But all it takes is a roll of the eyes and a sarcastic "barking" about 4 minutes in to show me whats really going on.

I give this video a C for just being kind dumb but that girl gets an A for sure. There seems to be a "Barking Orgins" video available, and I am excited to revisit with quick-witted barking girl very soon!


p.s. thanks to Shaina for the heads up on this video!

The First Post.

So I could've gotten all cheese ball porno pun on you and titled this first post something like, "The Cherry Pops" or "Like a Virgin", but I wanted to make sure right off the bat that you know thats not how I roll.

What I will be doing here is pretty much making fun of wacky porno clips I find on XTube or PornoTube.

Let's begin, shall we?

"Passionate Anal Pleasuring Erotic Anilingus [sic] Duet"



I had been messing about with XTube for quite awhile before I ran across these two. I have a pretty large subscriptions list, and I thought I had pretty much picked XTube clean of anything it had to offer.

I was so wrong.

There is a lot going on in the video, but the one GLARING thing about it is the soundtrack. I can see what they are going for here, a cute, clever way to show how loving Analingus can be between two people, which is fine. But something about hearing a nice soothing lullaby while watching people getting their asses licked is kind of unnerving. I don't know whether I should be sexually aroused, digusted, or sleepy.

Also, I love credits in homemade pornos. I personally have never made a homemade porno, and the main reason why is that I believe there are areas of my body that I cannot see clearly for a reason, and there is no good sense in me putting these parts of my body on a television screen. Especially in the kind of situation where I will probably be in an awkward and unflattering position, with really bad lighting. So I love it when I see people who are so comfortable with themselves that they can not only endure their own horrible porno, but they can sit through multiple viewings of it in order to edit it and throw some credits on there.

Overall, it's an ok video, considering the weird soundtrack and questionable subject matter. That's why it's important that I give you a well rounded idea of what these people are about:



Again, slightly taboo fetish to the weirdest soundtrack in the world.

Naughty MILF nurses giving blow jobs while I listen to some jazz that sounds like something off of Frasier or Sesame Street???

Like real life sex, I can only handle so much mental stimulation in my porno before it becomes less like enjoyable and more like incredibly distracting. I can't imagine anyone masturbating to this, because the music is so upbeat and jazzy I would be concentrating more on keeping the beat than getting off.

In closing, I give them an A for trying to show people who wouldn't normally be into what they're into why it can be loving and fun, but maybe next time they should try and make the sex more memorable than the soundtrack.