Poor Ron Jeremy

This is what your life would be like if you were a porn star.


That is the message I took away from this years Erotica LA Convention.

It's weird, because last year, I walked away with a really good feeling about the porn industry. I felt really empowered as a woman, after seeing all the women who ran businesses that were there, adult or otherwise. I felt that I was in a world where everyone was loved no matter how they looked, because there is a place for everyone in porno.

Yeah, I'm thinking I missed out on all the creepy last year cause I went with two guys. Go to porno convention with another girl and it's a whole 'nother story.

This year was much funnier and much creepier. Am I a weirdo for kind of appreciating the creepy? Cause I mean, I am still a spectator in all this right? I am not a bitter, hardened member of the industry (yet) and I do still want to enjoy the circus of sex toys and enhanced body parts. If porn conventions leave me all warm and fuzzy inside, this blog is gonna get mighty boring.

Thanks to Twitter, I was able to capture everything I was thinking and feeling the moment it happened. And now I will share my story with you.

We arrived in hopes of seeing the Erotic Fashion show, which we missed by a hair. BUT this did afford us good seats to the Hollywood Men sampler striptease. (Where the hunks were oiling up JUST FOR ME...according to the MC.)

Lets talk briefly about Hollywood Men.



They are self-described as "an eight-course buffet of women's fantasies," but last time I checked I wasn't fantasizing about dimwitted beefcakes lip-synching and stripping to haphazardly spliced together top 40 hits. The music tracks alone are enough to give you an epileptic fit, bouncing wildly from one hip-hop song to the next.

It's all macho posturing and bravado, which makes for a hilarious show, especially when Sal, Leon, and Ray did a special tribute performance to the brave soldiers serving in Iraq:





Thanks guys. You really have done your part in making America proud. Seriously.

And nothing made me prouder to be an American than The Count of Monte Cristo:



Ah, The Count, poor guy. I pity him because he is actually ROMANIAN, yet they made him go back and forth between being a cowboy and awkwardly lip synching to Spanish ballads. I am so sorry for what America has done to you, I really am.

I attempted to meet The Count, but my efforts were thwarted by a seven foot tall, 80 pound monster of a man who swooped behind me and whispered, "You look like you need to be spanked," and then DID IT. WHAT?!?! Oddly, I still felt safer at a porno convention than I do on the streets of Hollywood 90% of the time, go figure.

As we wandered through the aisles of vendor booths, we saw many amazing things. I learned that you can drop a glass dildo and it won't break, that I can get a stripper pole complete with platinum stage for less than $400, that the little asian man on Alvarado who sells knock-off watches also makes dirty time-pieces, and I entered a contest to win free Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery. Oh God, I hope I don't win. But I just can't turn down free surgery.




I hung out with Evan Seinfeld again this year.

He's a lovely guy, so nice. And I find it endearing that he and his porn star wife have built an empire on the idea that they enjoy fucking each other.



I saw these on a table at a booth being run by an asian couple who sold these and "after sex towels." I took these photos on the sly because they had that look on their faces that any convenience store owner has when he has spent all day yelling at kids for touching things and adults for loitering with the magazines too long.



It was not uncommon to see a bare ass or two in the food line.





The irony was not lost on Brandie and I that the some of the only food served at Erotica LA were tacos and Squirt.

In line for the food, we met a magician called the Fantastic Fig. He did card tricks with purple sparkly nails and a Hello Kitty deck. His card tricks felt like rape.




I met Belladonna, and good lord, for the Filthiest Girl In Porno (read: double anal penetration while pregnant) she is the nicest girl in the world. She has something personal and pleasant to say to everyone who approached her, and she was very confident and charismatic. I loved this girl, but it was awkward choosing which nude photo she was to sign of herself. No, I did not choose the close up ass shot one, that would be rude.




Brandie and I also met Ron Jeremy. POOR RON JEREMY. If the saying that every time someone takes a photo of you they are stealing a piece of your soul is true, there is no better example on Earth than Ron Jeremy. Personally, I think it's all strategy. I mean, you KNOW he has the douchebaggiest fans on the planet, why not just greet everyone with complete, disarming silence so they aren't inclined to say something retarded to you. Good call, Ron Jeremy.



A spaced out tweeker girl guarded this fucking machine with her LIFE the entire time. She was so weird. And so is that machine.



This box was sitting at a booth, and I bought the box and everything in it so I can give the contents as Christmas gifts to my friends and family. You're Welcome!



All in all, this picture pretty much sums up Erotica LA. I can't wait till AVN Adult Expo in Vegas in January.

Jesus Saves

Did you know that there is Christian Porno?

Yeah.

I also did not know that there were guidelines for producing a porno that is acceptable in the eyes of God available online.

From SexInChrist:

- It must depict only married couples engaging in sexual acts. This means that any sexual partners in a Christian porn production must be husband and wife, both on and off screen. All actors must be married in real life and portray married couples onscreen. And they must only be depicted having sex with their wedded spouses.

- It must portray sex within the context of a Christian marriage. It must be apparent through the actions, behaviors, and speech of the characters portrayed that they are Christian, lead a Christian lifestyle, and have a marriage in which their faith is central. This could be depicted in a variety of ways, with scenes showing a couple praying together, studying the Bible, attending church or church functions, and generally relating to one another as loving Christian spouses outside of the bedroom.

- It must be instructional. Part of the mission of Christian pornography is to graphically educate married believers in how to achieve more sexual pleasure, intimacy, and closeness in their relationships. It can do this by dramatizing various sexual techniques and positions so that couples can learn how to incorporate them into their lovemaking routines. In their onscreen roles, the actors should model both correct sexual techniques and appropriate sexual attitudes, by being respectful and treating one another’s bodies as the sacred gift from God that they are.

- Husband and wife must both receive their due benevolence. This is in keeping with the scriptural mandate of I Corinthians 7:3, which says “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.” This means that both sex partners must be shown getting equal pleasure and sexual attention from one another.

- No extramarital sex, unless it is to illustrate the downfalls of adultery. The spouses in a Christian porn production must never have adulterous relations, unless they (and their partner in extramarital crime) suffer and are punished fittingly for their sins. (In deference to modern conventions, the punishment does not have to be one mandated by scripture, i.e., being stoned to death.)

- It must be uplifting and inspirational, focusing on strengthening Christian marriage and Christian faith. Christian porn must have an overall positive message. Of course, its primary message would be to demonstrate the sacred use of sexuality and sensuality to reinforce the bonds of Christian marriage. But in all other respects, it should affirm Christian values of community, family, faith, honesty, charity, and so forth. It should show that having a joyous and fulfilling married sex life is one of the fruits of following the path of righteousness.

- No profanity. Although exclamations of pleasure are acceptable, as are the natural sounds and vocalizations of lovemaking, Christian porn should contain no profanity or swearing. The participants should address each other lovingly and respectfully at all times. Of course, it goes without saying that the actors will not take the Lord’s name in vain, nor that of his Son.


So no OMGs when you're cumming, kids.

SexInChrist is actually a great website for advice about how to have sex as a Christian by taking random phrases from the Bible completely out of context. Like this doozy about fisting in the Bible:

The Fist of Might

Over and over in the scriptures, the hand and fist of God are described as a symbol of His awesome power and the means through which this power manifests: "O God, God of our ancestors, are you not God in heaven above and ruler of all kingdoms below? You hold all power and might in your fist.” (2 Chronicles 20:6) Of course, the Old Testament often makes reference to God smiting his enemies with his fist or striking down the wicked with his hand, but it is also the means through which he administers his blessings and benevolence to the righteous: ”You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.” (Psalms 145:16) Through the hand of the Lord, he guides us to do his will, touches our lives, expresses His love, and provides for our needs with His abundance.

Still not convinced God wants you to fist someone?

Powerful Yet Gentle

In the Song of Solomon, the Bible describes the act of fisting and the profound erotic bliss it induces: It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, "Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one”…My love thrust his hand through the opening, and my feelings were stirred for him. (Song of Solomon 5:2-4) Here we see the lover gently coaxing his companion to open up to him, metaphorically “knocking at her door,” preparing her sexually and emotionally to receive his hand inside her. Gradually he works more and more fingers into her, until the moment when her vagina yields and his hand slips fully inside her, thrusting “through the opening.” She then describes the powerful passion that this arouses in her as she envelopes his entire hand inside her body. Many couples describe this moment, as the fist makes full penetration into the vaginal opening, as transcendent and a sexual revelation. As the woman’s body accommodates her husband’s hand, both may experience a sense of physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual oneness.

Fisting as an Act of Faith

Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure. The wife should pray for openness and readiness to receive God’s love and grace in the form of her husband’s hand.

A Bible in one hand and someones lower intestine in the other, that's how I roll for God.




That was the greatest sentence ever typed. You know it was.

Clever Porn Movies Part 1

BONE ALONE

"Gabrielle's got a secret. It's hot. It's pink. It's very, very wet and it's always ready for company, and guess what... Gabrielle's all alone for the week with nothing to do but play hide the salami."

THIS COULD BE YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT, MR. JEREMY.

BONFIRE OF THE PANTIES

"That’s how it works when the fire’s in your loins. Welcome to Bonfire of the Panties. The New Wave Camera of William Black fresh from the triumphs of Anal Nation and Total Reball points his twisted camera at the Me Decade of the 80’s and what can happen when greed goes awry. He assembled some of the biggest names in adult. Gorgeous Raven, hot blonde Nikki Wilde, the sultry Ashley Nicole and foxy Missy Warner all shot in the new-wave style that pushes his movies to the tops of the charts Turn on Bonfire and watch the sirens ignite."



SERIOUSLY, DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD A BONFIRE OF PANTIES WOULD SMELL? I'M JUST SAYIN'

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE LAYER

"Poor little Buffy's lost in Transylvania. The evil lawyer/vampire, Count Hymie "The Impaler" Draculwitz, has summoned her from Budapest, and if he has his way, he'll be "impaling" the little Buffster for a long time to come - like, forever and junk. Her only chance is to use his own stake against him. If she can outlast a dead guy, she'll be golden. If not ... she'll join him in the ranks of the living dead... like, total bummer, dude."


THE FUNNY PART IS THAT COULD ACTUALLY KIND OF WORK AS A BUFFY EPISODE. I'M NOT GONNA LIE, I MAY BUY THIS ONE.

CAPTAIN HOOKER AND PETER PORN

"Were you one of those horny adults who thrilled at those pirate movies, not just for the action and adventure, but at those arousing sights of big bad men with their big bad weapons overpowering and ravishing those beautiful maidens and turning them into their wild and willing slaves? Of course you were. But now the hot "good" parts don't get blacked out when the sex action begins. For in this, the first and greatest XXX - Rated pirate epic, nothing is left to your imagination. What really must have happened when pirates were the scourge of the seven seas happens here and more so.

Yes, Captain Hooker andiPeter Porn is the adult pirate video you should not miss, if you crave hot, sexy thrills."


THE DESCRIPTION YOU JUST READ IS EXACTLY WHY I HAVE TRIED AND FAILED AT WRITING ADULT VIDEO DESCRIPTIONS FOR A LIVING. ALSO, I WOULD LIKE TO NOTE THAT THIS MOVIE IS FOUND IN THE "CLASSICS" SECTION AT CDUNIVERSE.COM

A CLOCKWORK ORGY

"Here's where droogs are still droogs, but their tonic is sex, not violence. Superstar Kaitlyn Ashley plays Alex, who is surrounded by fellow gangsters Isis Nile, hot Olivia and the French beauty Rebecca Lord, roam dingy alleyways in search for wanton sex. First they attack a street bum, actor Dick Nasty, when Rebecca Lord winds up on the receiving end of a very gooey facial. Then, Jon Dough in a wheelchair, succumbs to the wild-eyed street nymphs. But not before our Kaitlyn is seduced by parole officer Shelby Stevens, and committed to the looney bin where Jonathan Morgan and Nikole Lace try to recondition out her nymphomania. "

LOL, JON DOUGH.

DAWSON'S CRACK

I COULDN'T FIND A SYNOPSIS FOR THIS ONE ONLINE, BUT LOOK AT THAT COVER. 'NUFF SAID.